Olympics 2012 ceremony pictures

Dazzled: The Olympics 2012 opening ceremony proves a hit

I’ve never been a huge fan of British flag waving events. Cooing like a sexually aroused pigeon over an unelected monarchy or a team of tantrum throwing footballers always struck me as faintly ridiculous. I’ve no desire to steal the magic for those who enjoy such union jack fuelled festivities; it’s just never been my cup of Pinot Grigio. (Yes I drink wine from mugs. Don’t judge me.)

The Olympics on the other hand is a completely different story. I’d never say I was proud to be British (that would imply some form of achievement; as though I was an intellectually superior foetus who deliberately chose this country to burst free from my mother’s vajayjay). But this year’s sporting malarkey has been pretty damn impressive. From the team of NHS dancers at the opening ceremony to Tom and Pete’s valiant efforts in the diving, it’s all been rather spangly really.

I’ve greatly enjoyed spending the weekend in my pyjamas, eating copious quantities of pizza and excitedly yelling stuff at the telly. “Go ‘super bendy, probably made from elastic’ gymnast types, GO!” Swiftly followed by “Wow, I wonder if HE’S SINGLE!?” Yes I know it’s rampant sexism. The chippy Guardianista men of Twitter have already been up in arms about “double standards”. Personally I don’t feel one afternoon of shouting “oooh look at his abs!” is enough to counteract 10 years of having my bottom groped in bars by super pervs on a misguided pulling mission. But I digress. Men in titchy shorts aside, I would have loved the opportunity to see the London Olympics in real life. Sadly, due to LOCOG’s total incompetence, many of us have been left ticketless.

Let me in please!

So, if like me you’re without tickets (or unable to afford the £600 black market price tags) I have five suggestions to bring Lympicy joy to your lives.

1.)    Host an Olympics 2012 dance party

Insist all your guests come dressed as sporting heroes and turn up the 2012 playlist. We all know dancing like a loon hyped on M&M e-numbers is the only way to really enjoy exercise.

2.)    Bake Olympic cakes

Think food colouring mishaps, cake mix eating and a kitchen buried by an icing sugar avalanche. (At least that’s what happens when I cook.) To save yourself from a house fire the alternative is to buy Olympic themed cakes at the shops.

3.)    Egg and spoon race

I always came last in junior school sports day. Partly because I was too busy gassing to hear the start gun but mostly because I was three foot shorter than all my competitors. In the interest of fairness they should have let me compete with the infants. That said, I did have some love for the egg and spoon race. Messy, difficult and slightly silly, if the sun ever appears again it makes oodles of garden party fun.

4.)    Pin the willy on the athlete

Another twist on a childhood classic, you will need several large posters of Olympian men and a paper widgy. Invite your girlfriends round, crack open some wine and indulge in some immature penis inspired drinking games.

5.)    Place bets

It’s not that I want to encourage your grisly descent into gambling addiction, it’s just that I tried it at Ascot and it’s lots of fun. If you don’t want to feed the bookies, bet with a group of friends. Jumping up and down and shouting stuff loudly at the telly suddenly got more interesting.

The pictures for  this blog post are by the lovely writer and photographer @KatherinePoole. Check out her website here.