Author Archive
Frizzy Blonde and the seven idiots- part 2

Frizzy Blonde and the seven idiots- part 2

It was autumn in the magical land of West London. A time for glowing evening skies, babies dressed as pumpkins and fucktard bloggers throwing fallen leaves in the air, so they can be photographed looking like fucktards by their equally fucktard friends. Despite the high percentage of SSSMs (sad sack single men) taking to dating...
Frizzy blonde and the seven idiots – part 1

Frizzy blonde and the seven idiots – part 1

Once upon a time in a far-off land, a princess was living in a one bedroom-flat, decorated with her parents’ cast-off furniture and anything she could afford from overpriced homeware stores. She had curly (dyed) blonde hair, a fondness for cheese and pale white skin- less like snow and more like one of those sad,...
The greatest dating challenge

The greatest dating challenge

This week a man asked me if I’d consider dating an alternative guy. “I’m into anything that involves a woman’s bum in a big way,” he said. “No limits in that area really. I like it filthy. Toys. Shit everywhere.” When he said alternative, I thought he meant piercings and a penchant for mosh pits,...
The Cheese Bar

The Cheese Bar

It’s finally happened. A cheese bar has opened in London. I think on some level, I always knew something wonderful would happen in my life. When you spend this long chasing unicorns, eventually one will come cantering to your doorstep and fulfil your wildest fantasies. (I’m surprised my unicorn rocked up in Camden, but if...
Why fussy men are off the menu

Why fussy men are off the menu

If dating is like the Hunger Games, getting back in the ring after a break up is the second reaping. But despite the long-lasting battle scars (yes, I’m talking about foot fetish guy), I’ve made the brave decision to volunteer as Tribute. These days my key criteria for a good date aren’t quite as extensive as they...
Dinner at Plot

Dinner at Plot

I used to think Tooting was the graveyard of Zone 3, a place where 22-year-old Corbyn supporters rent six-bedroom houses with their mates and drink beer out of shoes. But like all the once-grotty-now-edgy parts of London, it’s becoming gentrified with posh pubs and achingly trendy eating spots, all sandwiched between rubbish mounds and drunk...
Brunch at The Lighterman

Brunch at The Lighterman

Abominable snowman. The clue’s in the name really. Not abominable sandman, or abominable strawman, or abominable man sitting happily in the sunshine with a Corona and lime. The name of this feared, yeti-like creature was inspired by snow. The single worst climate creation that Mother Nature has ever bestowed upon us, snow in the UK...

How Tara Palmer-Tomkinson defined the 90s

  The original ‘IT girl’, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was the poster-child for the wild debauchery of the 1990s. Tanned, toned and sporting shoes that cost more than the average mortal’s monthly salary, she encapsulated my fantasies of adult hedonism like no other. Splashed across the tabloids on a weekly basis, she became almost as high-profile as...
Recipe: Chilli pizza eggs

Recipe: Chilli pizza eggs

I have a new obsession. Bigger than my addiction to trawling the internet for holidays I can’t afford. Bigger than my teenage love affair with the half-drowned Leo in Titanic. Even bigger than my obsession with shouting things at people on Twitter who think the whole Donald Trump thing was a good idea. The obsession...

A translation guide to modern racism

  We’ve all heard someone pipe up with the “I’m not racist but” line. It used to be the casual racist’s calling card, like the sound of a trumpet alerting other casual racists to their presence. “I am an unapologetic bigot, hear me roar.” But recently prejudice has taken a darker turn. The heavily divisive...
Why you need gin, cheese and chocolate in January

Why you need gin, cheese and chocolate in January

The month of sacrifice has begun. It’s only January 3rd but already the avocado-munching, healthy living fascists are storming the internet, flooding instagram feeds with their kale smoothies and banishing fried cheese to the fiery depths of hell. Just 72 hours ago the same folk were lying on the sofa, contemplating stealing a medical syringe...

The empathy expiration date

Empathy’s a funny old thing. When it comes to three-legged kittens and fake cancer posts, the Brits dish it out by the bucketload. But while a sad-faced, one-eyed donkey pleading for human saviours can generate 14 million Facebook shares, it’s a different story for poverty-stricken migrants. “HE’S NOT 14!” A Daily Mail reader screeched into the...
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