We’ve all heard someone pipe up with the “I’m not racist but” line. It used to be the casual racist’s calling card, like the sound of a trumpet alerting other casual racists to their presence. “I am an unapologetic bigot, hear me roar.”
But recently prejudice has taken a darker turn. The heavily divisive referendum campaign, the rise of the far right across Europe and the presidency of a mentally deranged orange man-goblin in the US have launched our xenophobic fears from coffee shop whisperings to the mainstream.
The general hum of prejudice has become so ensconced in daily life, it’s hard to spot the racists these days. Like women over the age of 12 describing their boyfriends as bae, they walk among us, spreading their messages faster than age-inappropriate hashtags.
Luckily, I’ve compiled a handy translation guide, so you can spot modern racists by the things they say, do, believe and support.
Telling it like it is
A favourite of field-shagging sociopath, Katie Hopkins, telling it like it is has become the latest justification for bullying. Think someone is fat? Don’t forget to write about it on Twitter- you’re not being nasty, you’re telling it like it is. Think all Muslims are terrorists? That’s not racist, that’s telling it like it is. Seen a funny video making fun of a disabled person? Don’t forget to post it on Facebook so everyone can see how amusing you are. In theory, telling it like it is means transparent honesty about the modern world. In practice, it means you’re a cunt that likes being mean to people.
Common sense policies
Building a 25 billion-dollar wall that won’t keep out the Mexicans. Relaxing gun laws so that someone with a history of mental illness can toddle off down the shop for a lever-action rifle. Making so many cuts to education programmes and public services that more people end up on welfare. It’s just common sense. In reality, these policies make about as much sense as cleansing your face with a potion made from human excrement and cat sick, but they do the job of raising people’s concerns about the credentials of politicians. If you can’t disprove a person’s educational background, best to undermine their common sense, right?
It’s the insult of the moment, the smashed chilli avocado of the slandering world. Short for ‘special snowflake’, it’s primarily used by right-wingers to describe a person who is a.) nice to other people or b.) thinks people living in the world deserve equal respect, regardless of their sexuality, gender, ethnic or religious origin. Snowflakes are easily offended by ‘telling it like it is’ and ‘common sense policies’. They point out inequality in society, they protest things they feel are unjust and they don’t like it when the media spreads openly racist and misogynistic messages. If said snowflake happens to point out inequalities they haven’t themselves experienced, this is even more offensive to modern racists. Because not being a total dick to and about other people is like, so last season.
Make Britain great again
Never mind rose-tinted spectacles, today’s modern racists are looking at British social heritage through a hot pink brick wall. Stepping back in time through a magical wardrobe in our spare room, we can re-enter a post-war world where the UK was a shining beacon of magnificence. Where we colonised half the world and kept the foreigns in slave-like conditions. Where extreme poverty was rife and social mobility was impossible. Where many people lived in conditions so appalling that entire communities were riddled with life-threatening diseases like TB and dysentery. THE GOOD OLD DAYS. Realistically, modern Britain is better than it ever has been. At the start of 2016 the economy was getting back on track, the job market was looking up and standards of living had improved drastically compared with 20 years ago. Yes, there are social problems and there’s no denying the influx of immigration had negatively impacted certain pockets of the UK. But heading back to a world where men were arrested for homosexuality isn’t progress, it’s regression.
We want our country back
Someone stole this god damn country, and the modern racists WANT IT BACK. We’re not really sure who took it, or where they’ve put it, but I hear Theresa May’s henchmen are out looking for it, so if anyone has any evidence of its whereabouts, please alert the authorities immediately. Personally, I suspect it’s lost in that mystical land where all the hair bobbles go. But racists think it’s been overtaken by Sharia-law enthusiast Muslim extremists who’ve infiltrated the
Ministry of Magic government and introduced beheadings on every episode of the X Factor. Luckily, even though people keep threatening to chop my head off in Oxford Street, my enforced Burka looks great with my Jimmy Choos.
It’s such a popular phrase amongst the far right, that a bunch of people actually formed a political movement under the same name. Led by
neo Nazi, Lucifer’s love-child, a deeply Christian woman named Jayda Fransen, they’d like to purge the country of all Muslims, regardless of their political leanings. Her supporters say it’s not Islamophobic because really, it’s just common sense. (A bit like when Hitler said it was common sense to start putting the German people first.) The party is also a big fan of telling like it is, which is why the deeply Christian Fransen was recently arrested for hurling foul-mouthed abuse at a Muslim women and her young children. If you like this group, share their messages or agree with absolutely anything they say, congratulations, you’re a racist.
Voting for UKIP
I just want to straighten this out once and for all. If you vote for UKIP, you are condoning racism. Perhaps you’re a lovely person. Perhaps you raise shitloads of cash for orphans and go on demos to protest unfair taxes and reduced disability allowance. You might even have a black friend or quite like the Muslim family that lives three doors down. But rest assured, UKIP is a racist party. They say racist things, attract racist campaigners and their supporters and leaders make sweeping generalisations about certain groups and minorities. Sure, they wear nice suits, say they’re not racist and haven’t formerly laid out plans to liquidize Asian people, but that’s not how people get elected is it?