Cranberry goo?

In your teens you spend every Friday night caking make up on your face in a desperate attempt to look old enough to be legally served alcopops. Then suddenly your late twenties hit and it’s a downward spiral into three day hangovers and the murky underworld of overpriced collagen boosting products.  Ever since a date kindly informed me that ‘the wrinkles on my forehead make me look my age’, I’ve been somewhat more obsessed by the acquisition of (almost anything) which promises to reduce my facial age to that of a sprightly teen. (Lord knows why he felt the need to volunteer this gem of wisdom. I recommend covering your ears next time a man starts a sentence with the words “If I’m being honest”.)

From little bits of brown paper glued to your forehead (ineffective) to moisturisers priced at approximately half a month’s salary, skincare is a bitch of an operation to master.

Stuff you could try but probably shouldn’t because a.) It will make you look like ridiculous and b.) it almost definitely won’t work.

Bee sting facial

When I was 13 there was an unfortunate series of events involving a kamikaze wasp and a spectacular allergic reaction. The buzzy little fucker (we’ll call him Nigel) flew straight into my mouth, causing my lip to swell up like a Beverly Hills soccer mom on one of those ‘plastic surgery ruined my face’ shows. Following an entrepreneurial scheme started by fellow classmates: ‘pay 20p to look at the freak’, I was eventually picked up by an extremely harassed mother and driven to the infirmary for emergency antihistamine shots. (The conversation with the school nurse went something like this: “A wasp sting!!??? What do you mean a wasp sting!? I’m not picking her up for a wasp sting!!” She was equally unsympathetic the time I accidentally ran into a tennis post and knocked myself out.)  Needless to say the whole thing put me right off the idea of injecting insect venom into my face in a quest for a baby bottomed face. If you’re keen to try it out I hear K Middy swears by these facials. Of course, she does have the luxury of locking herself away in Kensington Palace for a week should anything go dramatically awry.

Bizarre headgear

Designed to reduce wrinkles by pulling the skin, this strange metal contraption fits around the head at night, like the grown up’s alternative to head braces. Presumably it’s only purchased by single people who are excessively concerned with fine lines. I can’t imagine clambering into bed with your beloved looking like you’ve just stepped off the Starship enterprise can be conducive to an evening of starry eyed gazes and rampant bonking. (Even watching telly and having a cup of tea would be a challenge due to potential metal interference. What if there was a lightning storm and you were putting the washing out? Death trap I’d say.)

Homemade banana, honey and lemon juice facials

It might be recommended by team organic, but this is basically like applying summer holiday scented cat sick to your face. It tingles, it burns and virtually everything you own will be covered in bits of mushy banana. (Which FYI, when left undiscovered for a week dries into an unusual crust which is more or less impossible to extract from the sofa cushions.) On the bright side it would make a useful sealant for weaponry (should suggest to MoD) or a rather nice dessert. Just don’t put it anywhere near your face.

Stuff you should actually try because it might actually work

See a skin specialist

Spending half your salary on make up without investing in skincare is like buying Gucci shoelaces when you have no shoes. If like me you’re confused by the petrifying towers of serums, lotions, balms and gels ready to swallow your hard earned pounds in the Harvey Nicks beauty section, visit a skincare expert. Let them examine your pores, squeeze your blackheads and poke around your saggy wrinkly bits. They’ll give you a basic rundown on the best treatments to try. (And they’re unlikely to involve lemon juice.) Consider your face a long-term investment. Like Mulberry handbags.

Use hot water and flannels

In terms of tips, this might seem a bit P Middy in its simplicity. But after years of scrubbing my face with cleanser and my own fair hands, I took beauty expert Caroline Hirons’ advice and scrubbed off that cleanser with a clean warm flannel. It was like skin porn. If you’ve also spent too long living in skincare dunceville, I suggest you put down the nasty face wipes and pick up that flannel of glory. Just make sure you use a clean one every day. Nobody wants a bacteria face palm before breakfast.

Water and Omega 3.

Omega 3 is God’s gift to collagen starved saggy skins.  Purchase them in capsule form from your local pharmacy and slosh them all back with as much water as your body can carry without getting up for 12 wee breaks during Made in Chelsea.