“Hi” would suffice

Free dating sites aren’t exactly conducive to finding a lifelong partner. But ever since you started having to pay 30p for a wee at the train station, love is basically the only good thing about life that remains free. For that reason, I’m mildly reluctant to splurge the £30 a month price tag of the more advanced (less pornographic) dating sites.

Whether paid or not, there’s  plenty of choice when it comes to online guys. Partners can be chosen for a range of important qualities including their bank balance, work attire and number of sexually transmitted diseases they’ve contracted from previous relationships.

Bizarre tick boxes aside, if you’re willing to persevere with online dating you will (at the very least) be blessed with an exciting assortment of gentleman folk popping into your inbox on a daily basis. Some will be charming. Some will be weird and others will be so unintentionally hilarious you might do an accidental sick snort in your macaroni cheese.

So who might you encounter on your digital love finding journey?


Mr Quick Shag

Where to find him: Plenty of Fish.

Most likely to say: “I’ve just been looking at your pictures and I’m rock hard. Wanna get naked?

What his profile says: Virtually nothing apart from the fact that he likes experimenting with rubber gimp masks.

His picture: Explicit requests for intimate encounters are usually accompanied by a full colour photograph of said user’s genitals. In my experience a man’s winkle, though enjoyable when attached to someone you fancy, is not something you need to see in the intimate glory modern camera phones can deliver. Expect a close up of Little Mr Quick Shag. With veins.

What he expects: You’ll drop everything and shout ‘WOW! Check out that glorious scrotum! It’s like a Monet! How about you rip off my knickers with your teeth and insert pointy hurty sex toys into my foof?

What actually happens: Ignore. Block. Delete. Do mouth sick. Feel overwhelming urge to rub down entire body with loofah and diluted bottle of bleach.


Mr Muscle

Where to find him: Mr Muscle can also be located on all free dating sites. He spends too much money on the gym to afford a subscription.

Most likely to say: “Great body babe. How do you keep in shape?”

What his profile says: The completion times of every marathon he’s ever run. Which is a lot.

His picture: At least 15 shots of him posing in various ‘lunge’ positions. This dude likes to flex.

What he expects: You’ll drop everything and shout ‘WOW, check out those abs! Forget the personality, I could lick low-fat whipped cream and protein shakes off those bad boys all night!

What actually happens: You’ll drop everything and shout ‘WOW, check out those abs! I bet that guy has all the personality of a baked potato.’  NB: If you do decide to use and abuse this gentleman for his toned abs, don’t let slip that your exercise regime mostly consists of walking to the kitchen when you run out of crisps during the adverts in Breaking Bad. You’ll crush his little soul.


Mr Hipster

Where to find him: Guardian Soulmates

Most likely to say: “I sense you’re a Scorpio. Am I right?”

What his profile says: A long-winded description of his eclectic musical tastes and the introduction to the ‘street to stage’ play he’s written highlighting the plight of London’s homeless pigeon population.

His picture: Three blurry black and white shots of him hanging out at an indie festival nobody can pronounce the name of.

What he expects: You’ll be so impressed by his pseudo intelligent ramblings on Middle East conflict you’ll forget he thought Syria was a red wine and shag him anyway.

What actually happens: Depends. Fellow hipster girls will don their flatcaps and spend a glorious first date wandering round a grubby East London estate looking for blogspiration and ketamine hits.  The rest of us will sigh, ignore and swig wine.


Mr Playboy

Where to find him: Match.com

Most likely to say: Something so charming and witty your tummy starts to feel like one of those melt in the middle chocolate puddings that exploded all over the microwave.

What his profile says: He’s funny, easygoing, smart, loves spending time with friends and family and climbs mountains in Africa for charity.

His picture: a few ‘sexy even though I’m not trying’ shots. Plus a few with mates. He’s popular and hot ladies. Go fetch.

What he expects: He’ll take you out, charm you, bed you and ditch you.

What actually happens: He’ll take you out, charm you, bed you and ditch you.


Mr Holy Grail

Where to find him: No idea.

Most likely to say: Something cute, funny and just a little bit shy.

What his profile says: You’ve got the same life goals, the same politics and a shared penchant for soldiers and dippy eggs with faces painted on them.

His picture: He’s gorgeous but not so gorgeous that you’d have trouble forming sentences if he asked for your name.

What he expects: Nothing. There’s no game plan

What actually happens: You’ll date, fall in love, get married and merrily start squeezing miniature humans from a bodily orifice the size of a keyhole. He is the reason women join dating sites and sift through the pile of human turd bowls that accompany you for the adventure.