back massage with hot stones

Hot stones belong only on your back and NEVER up your bum

In the 90s, beautification mostly revolved around green hair mascara and collecting as many Rimmel products as a £3.50 an hour Saturday job would allow. Convinced our teenage heartthrobs would be instantly smitten by our Rachel hairstyles and lilac nail varnish, we would saunter out of the changing rooms in gym knickers and a gas chamber like haze of Charlie Red. We might have smelt like a high strength ethanol laboratory, but damn it was easy. Unfortunately, those days of putting glittery stripes in our locks and announcing ‘we’re done’ are well and truly over. (It’s all about hair chalking now apparently. Or dip dying. Or fades.) So how’s a girl to keep up with all these modern beauty fads? And most importantly, what weird bodily trends should you be avoiding like your mum’s speculation on marriage prospects at this year’s family Christmas do?

Stiletto surgery

If you’re not too busy fretting about the buoyancy of your breasts or circumference of your thighs, you should consider adding ‘ugly feet that hurt in stilettos’ to your neurosis agenda. Luckily ‘high heel’ surgery is now available to perfect your little tootsies into delectable little shoe holders. Designed to shorten toes and ensure you feel less pain in your loubies, the op seems as logical as casually lopping out a few ribs to make you feel more comfortable on medieval corset dress up night.

Crystal lips

Quite literally putting your money where your mouth is, even lips aren’t safe from a sprinkling of sparkle. Until we consider the practicality of having little sharp scratchy bits attached to our chops, the idea of looking all shiny seems relatively appealing. Probably not a great idea if you’re planning to eat, drink, talk or kiss though. Unless you want to bring your date to casualty with a crystal shredded mouth.

Bizarre facials

There are few things more magical than having a stranger gently caress your face inside a posh smelling little room with rose petals floating around. (A trained professional stranger obviously- not just a man you met in the cash machine queue outside Tesco.) But these days facials aren’t just a lovely scented adventure of relaxation and joy. They’re a needle filled minefield of anti-ageing potions and softly spoken marketing gurus promising to cure your fine lines in exchange for several hundred pounds. The most alarming of these new treatments is ‘the vampire facial’, where your own blood is injected into your face to boost collagen. If you need further proof this will leave you resembling a road traffic accident victim with a vastly reduced bank balance, just search the internet for those pictures of Kim Kardashian after she had it done.

Anal bleaching

Whilst close up photographs of your bottom hole rarely make the post wedding mantelpiece display, there’s still a growing trend towards ‘prettifying’ the anus. Though it’s hard to comprehend why one shade of wrinkly arse skin may be more sexually enticing than another, the obsession for ‘dying’ this most intimate of orifices has actually become a popular beauty regime. (Google it if you don’t believe me.) Assuming you were unlucky enough to be dating the type of pond dwelling scuzz bucket shallow enough to have such a preference, I’d consider shopping for a new partner before wasting cash on a body part usually reserved for the watchful gaze of a colonoscopy doctor. If you’re genuinely adamant that your beauty, self-worth and quality of life will be considerably improved by a gloriously pale pink* arse hole, at least avoid curry for several days after treatment.

*I’m only presuming ‘pale pink’ is the preferred shade for bottom holes. I’m currently bereft of a rectal opening colour chart so it’s hard to form definite opinions on the subject.

Colonic irrigation

The beauty and wellness industry doesn’t want to draw the line at our choice of anal skin colour. They’re also recommending we irrigate our insides to ‘flush out our systems’. If you want to spend your monthly shoe budget and a Saturday afternoon having faeces extracted from your colon then please by my guest. Just bear in mind that a few prunes and a trip to the loo will have largely the same effect.