Always take picture *before* you start drinking…

After a year preparing for my best friend’s wedding, I’ve been on a (somewhat inevitable) anticlimax since the main event. (PWD? Google it. Pretty sure it’s an actual medical thing.) I love a good wedding. From the weepy bit in church (it’s like seven episodes of Pet Rescue rolled into one) to the bit at the end where people get so drunk they feel it’s appropriate to tell the bridesmaid’s father their daughter is ’bangable’, there’s nothing quite as joyfully magical as a British wedding. Yes they cost more than the average house deposit. Yes they’re more stressful to organise than a Grand Designs home makeover. But they’re bloody brilliant. So as my beautiful bestie jets off on her ever so romantic honeymoon, I’ve decided to spice up my afternoon of ‘eating everything in my parent’s cupboards’ by writing a few little sensible wedding guest rules.


1.)    Don’t Wear white.

Even if the carb starved fashionistas at Vogue say it’s ‘totes fine this season’, don’t do it. Those editors are just being mean ‘cause they secretly wish they were face palming bacon sandwiches.

2.)    Don’t Give your number to a creepy uncle

My best friend’s wedding was bereft of a gropey uncle, which was mildly disappointing. But previous events wouldn’t have been quite the same without a leering old man twice my age casually commenting on my bottom. No matter how many white wines you’ve had and how scared you are of dying alone and having your face eaten by cats NEVER give this man your phone number.

3.)    Don’t Be the drunkest

From naked men on the dance floor to a guest proudly displaying a collection of traffic cones next to the cake, weddings have a habit of bringing out the latent alcoholic in all of us. Following a recent heartbreak (never the best state to attend a wedding), I once flatlined six glasses of white wine during the speeches. The result involved a video I’d rather forget, an ill-advised attempt at ‘sexy’ (boys don’t like it when you splay yourself across their pool table mid game) and an eventual semi naked ‘carry out’. Word of advice. Never be that girl. (Or at least not again…)

4.)    Don’t Spill on the bride (or yourself if you’re the bridesmaid.)

When you’re blessed with all the natural grace of a baby hippo hyped on blue Smarties, this one requires extra concentration. Try requesting extra napkins during dinner and hold your drink at arm’s length whenever you’re within a two metre radius of the bride.

5.)   Don’t  Text, Facebook or Tweet

The mentally stable people of the world don’t tend to want their weddings to trend on Twitter. Put the social networks away for the duration of the day and flirt with the pretty real life boys instead.