Beer: Thing to do on Saturday

Contrary to the barely literate mumblings of the EDL, becoming a fully-fledged member of the British public isn’t as simple as getting bladdered in a Union Jack mini dress. Aside from passports, documents, visas and employment certificates, there’s the tricky little badger of the UK citizenship test to pass. Having tried (and failed) to answer most of the questions, I have concluded that an in depth knowledge of quangos and the number of ancient monuments in Wiltshire is largely irrelevant to the modern Brit. As such, I have devised a superior questionnaire.

So, how British are you?


The sky is blue and the thermostat has hit 20 degrees. What do you do? 

a.)    Immediately strip down to a pair of four-year old Hawaiian shorts or an ill-fitting bikini. Expose perilously translucent flesh to direct midday sunlight whilst drinking aggressively, to confuse bewildered tourists into thinking you’re a morbidly obese anaemic  zoo animal, seeking shelter in the confines of the grassy English suburbs after its recent escape.

b.)    Register your delight on social media, accompanied by pictures of your breakfast. If thermostat rises above 25 degrees, complain loudly and bitterly that you are too hot.

c.)     Nothing. Just go to work as usual.


The wine alternative

What is your opinion on tea?

a.)    A cup of tea can solve almost all the world’s ills. Especially thirst and calming your nerves after a shouting match with the annoying neighbours who keep drilling the walls at 8am on a Sunday morning.

b.)    It’s best accompanied by cake and ridiculously small cucumber sandwiches that won’t fill you up but will make other people think you’re posh.

c.)     You don’t really drink tea.


You’ve been invited to a wedding. Will you wear a hat?

a.)    Probably not. But you’ll definitely get a spray tan.

b.)    Of course. You’re not a barbarian.

c.)     Are you supposed to wear a hat to a British wedding?


According to recent reports, K Middy is due to drop her first child in the imminent future. How are you preparing for such a momentous occasion?

a.)    You have purchased as much royal baby memorabilia as your bank manager will allow in honour of this total stranger’s impending labour. Once born you plan to coo like an ovulating pigeon over copies of OK magazine and host at least five street parties before Kate’s started her Kegels.

b.)    You were not remotely interested when the Palace announced that Wills had successfully filled the Duchess’s fallopian tubes with his superior swimmers. Nor will you be rendered hysterical when this mega rich rugrat claws free from the royal fadge to a sea of fawning media coverage and solid gold bibs to dribble down.

c.)     Who or what is K Middy?


You’re visiting Spain on holiday, where do you go for dinner?

a.)    Stay in the resort. You get a free beer when you order the sausage, chips and gravy.

b.)    Trek 60 miles up a death defying mountain to visit an exclusive restaurant that was highly recommended by the Rough Guide as an ‘undiscovered place that people who read the Guardian should frequent.’ Try to order in fluent Spanish, realise you don’t speak Spanish so ask for some ham and bread with a foreign accent.

c.)     You’ve never been to Spain on holiday.


Where's the iPhone?

After a day of snow, excitedly instagrammed by everyone with access to the internet, weather forecasters are predicting a further week of heavy snowfall. What do you do?

a.) After seeing pictures of empty shelved supermarkets splashed across the front page of the Daily Mail, you rush to the local Tesco to buy as much food as your Ford people carrier will allow, before coming home to panic excessively when the post apocalypse quantities of tinned carrots you’ve purchased won’t fit in the cupboards. After all, there’s nothing you enjoy more than a totally unnecessary meltdown. Apart from bitching about next door’s Rhododendrons. Obvs.

b.) Call work and pretend you’re snowed in. Spend the day trying to encourage your dog to drag you around the garden on a sledge and looking at videos of kittens being cute on YouTube.

c.) Nothing. You might wear an extra jumper to work though.


What do you think of the English football team?

a.)    They are crap.

b.)    They are crap.

c.)     They are crap



Mostly As: You are proper British innit. To celebrate you should get as tanked as humanely possible and vomit aggressively over a public road.

Mostly Bs: You’re quite British but your granny would say you’re getting above yourself. To give yourself a reality check you should get as tanked as humanely and vomit aggressively over a public road.

Mostly Cs: You’re not British are you? Never mind. If you want to fit in you should get as tanked as humanely possible and vomit aggressively over a public road.