pink and blue vest tops

"What do you mean we don't have time for me try on 367 tops?"

Aside from a home highlighting ‘incident’ (of which we never speak), I’m reasonably low maintenance when it comes to getting ready. But for many of my girlfriends it’s a different story. From shoe choice enquiries to wondering whether that new dress makes them resemble a rare species of Walrus, I often wonder how their boyfriends cope.

Guest blogger Charlie shares some thoughts on his girlfriend’s accessorising related traumas and why you should never tell your lady love she’s being a high maintenance pain in the balls. (Even if she bloody well is.)

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Girls don’t stress out when they’re getting ready to go out, but they can ‘find the process stressful’. The outcome (flapping and tantrums) is the same, but the former would indicate some degree of responsibility- which none of my former flames would ever admit to! In my last relationship I started to notice an odd pattern. Every time my girlfriend and I were getting ready for a night out, an argument would erupt just before we left the house. Often meaning we arrived at our destination not speaking,  it was never the ideal start to the evening.

For guys, getting dressed is staggeringly straight forward. Unlike previous girlfriends, who could provide foot coverage for the entire population of a small central African country with their stiletto collection, I only have one pair of going out shoes. Teamed with my favourite jeans, the only remaining decision is what shirt to wear. Given that my wardrobe contains a total of four acceptable shirts, two of which are usually in the wash, it tends to be a 50/50 toss-up. Accessorising is temperature dependent. A bit cold, chuck on a jumper (the smart one). Proper ‘can’t really feel your testicles English winter’ cold, then it’s a coat. For guys, this magically stress free process has proved sufficient ever since we first discovered a pub that would serve us under age. It worked for us whilst we strawpedoed alcopops at university to impress girls and will no doubt continue to serve us well into old age.

For ladies it’s not so straight forward. I won’t attempt to comprehend the crazy amount of coordination that goes into a woman’s outfit or understand why those shoes and that top don’t work together. The only thing I know is that it’s more complicated than the relationships televised on the Jeremy Kyle show and for girls this process can be stressful.

Luckily for guys there is a way out. Firstly you have to know that it’s not just your girlfriend prone to pre-party outfit freak outs. They’re not doing it on purpose and they usually look so hot at the end of it you’ve forgotten about the drama anyway. But to avoid any potential rows and ensure you a.) have a better night out and b.) get sexy time at the end of it, there’s an amazingly simple solution. When the freak out starts to happen utter these words (as sincerely as possible) ‘Honey don’t worry, there is no rush and we’ll get there when we get there.’ And, when she’s finally ready, ‘You look amazing.’

After all, if she can put up with my penchant for Star Trek DVDs, I can cope with some pre-night out faffing.