A narcissist’s wet dream, Facebook has become the ultimate platform for pretending you’re having much more fun than you really are. So, with an endless stream of instagrammed excursions being gleefully swallowed by the great and powerful internet, how do you ensure you look like, rilly rilly good in your profile?

After seeing one little lulabelle describe an ‘avoid being tagged in the same outfit twice’ magazine feature as ‘an absolute social life saver’, I knew it was time for emergency action. The BBC might be bringing us news of draconian benefit cuts, the systematic dismantling of a long serving National Health Service and chemical weapon use in Syria, but she was photographed in the same outfit twice. TWICE.

So my little cherubs, to avoid facing brutal online humiliation in future, please follow my How to Look Good on Facebook rules.

 

1.)

girl pouting like a duck

A sexy pout is always a winner

The brilliance of posing is that you only need to master three. These include sexy duck, flamingo leg and the bikini special. The former are fairly self-explanatory. To achieve the bikini special simply stand on your tip toes, point your bottom out like a sexually active hippo and wear a smile that says ‘I’m so cute my face could make a My Little Pony nauseous’. Voila! An utter plonker is born.

2.)

girl lunges for bouquet

If in doubt, aim to be centre of attention

If you’re struggling for inspiration, head to Shoreditch. You will be overrun with hapless fashion bloggers asking you to photograph their latest ‘straight out of a third world sweat shop’ outfits whilst they sip a cup of organic fair trade coffee and bang on about Che Guevara. Bring a pad and paper to make notes.

3.)

girl wearing scuba face mask

Experiment with new and quirky styles

Should these new found posing skills fail to get you at least 45 likes, do not despair. Don a pair of spectacle frames (eye sight impediment not necessary), some Aladdin inspired silk pants and rifle through the dustbin outside an old people’s home for the most garish knitted cardigan you can find. Wearing said ensemble, stand outside an East London sewage plant and insist a stranger photographs you at least 337 times to ensure you capture the right angle. Wear mustard tights and creepers for bonus points and a chance to appear in the Sunday Times Style Magazine.

4.)

girl doing silly dance in shorts

Can you see my rude bits?

Of course, we’re not all trying to appeal to the fash set. Some of us just want to show off our mega taut bods innit. Whatever you do, don’t let the British weather put you off. It may be 14 degrees in the Yorkshire Dales but hot pants are mandatory if you’re going to display your partially covered minky to virtual strangers in its full glory. After all, if that guy you once bonked at uni and haven’t spoken to in 10 years doesn’t see you skipping around in seasonably inappropriate clothing, how will he know you’re still a slamming hottie?

5.)

sleeping girl

Don't get pictured sleeping or without make up. Ever.

Modesty is totes last season. Learn your angles and work them to the camera. I suggest practicing your best sexy poses in front of the mirror when you’re at home alone on a Friday night. When the final product finally emerges online you can rest assured that EVERYONE will know how awesome your life is.

Images are mostly courtesy of Miss @CorinneRedfern. Follow her and stuff.