stick girl gets dumped

“I never really loved you anyway”

There are so many variations of ‘I’m just not that into you’ it’s hard to keep track. From Kelis’ cut and dry screeches of ‘I hate you so much right now’ to the more sensitively articulated ‘I’m just not looking for a relationship,’ all clichés can be identically interpreted. The person delivering the message doesn’t fancy you. And they’d rather consume a vat of recently regurgitated camel dribble than rub their naked bits against yours. Sorry about that.

So what are the most common way to get ditched?

The one where you wish you’d done it

Chances are you knew from outset he wasn’t going to be the one. But you carried on seeing him anyway because you were bored, lonely or lived in an apartment block which didn’t allow the adoption of stray kittens. When he finally ends your little charade, you are (quite understandably) a tad pissed off. Short of snapping ‘Yea!? Well I don’t want to be with you for the rest of my life EITHER’ (which seems somewhat churlish) there’s few ways to emerge from this situation with your ego intact.

The one where you’re still not really sure what happened

You were swept off your feet by his charm and a mutual passion for melting cheddar into pans of Heinz baked beans. You secretly wondered whether he might be ‘the one’, paid a ludicrous sum to rid your vadge of its natural foliage, Googled ‘five star romantic mini breaks on a really lovely tropical island that only cost £200’ and idly considered the prospect of a June wedding. Then, out of the blue, it just sort of ended. Four weeks ago you were a pair of lovers so star-crossed even Romeo and Juliet couldn’t compete. Snogging on the tube, oblivious to steely glares of morning commuters wishing it was legal to pour hot coffee on vomit inducing strangers, it all seemed so ‘right’. Now you’re lying on the floor in a white wine induced coma with the evidence of more ill-advised texts than you care to admit sitting in your iPhone sent box.

The one where you cry for a month

To justify a warbling rendition of Whitney Houston’s ‘Where Do Broken Hearts Go’ at the next gin fuelled karaoke night, a truly spectacular dumping must occur. Long-term fizzle outs, mutual splits and holiday romances gone awry just won’t cut it. This type of wretched all-consuming heartbreak can only be caused by someone you’re truly besotted with informing you that your relationship services will no longer be required. In this darkest of situations YouTube videos of piglets riding on a tortoise won’t raise a smile and a 99% discount at Christian Louboutin can’t convince you to leave your mascara stained pit of doom. It basically feels like Taylor Swift and Adele got divorced on the same day 279 puppies were murdered with a blunt club.

The one with the text message

Since the evolution of smart phones, social networking and bleepy light up messaging services, the ‘technology dump’ has become a popular way to say a swift goodbye to an undesirable beau. Widely considered an unacceptable medium for ending a love affair post the four week mark, texts should generally be reserved for rejecting that guy who told you his hobbies include ‘collecting human hair’ on the first date.

 The one where they don’t actually tell you

Perhaps the most baffling of all break up techniques, the ostrich inspired ‘head in sand’ approach is becoming increasingly common. Once upon a time I had an argument with a man I’d been dating. The next day I discovered him hand-in-hand with another lady (who he’d vehemently denied any attraction to a mere three days earlier.) Perhaps he thought the row signalled the end of our disastrous romance. Perhaps he thought my intelligence so supreme that I’d telepathically interpret his new found fondness for inserting his widgy into a (sadly) much better looking alternative. But mostly I just think he was a c***.