Am I wearing too many clothes?

As a kid Halloween meant dressing up as a witch, pretending your neighbours’ collection of inadequately mutilated pumpkins was scary and trying not to chunder after one too many Milkyways. These days it’s about prancing around in stringy underwear, practising sexy duck face with black lipstick and trying not to chunder after one too many lurid blue shots.

Regardless of how much you drink or how many inappropriate people you flirt with, Halloween parties are all about the costume. So what’s yours going to be?

The ‘all out’

A truly splendiferous costume requires a combination of time, energy and a penchant for the ridiculous. For that reason it’s usually reserved for students (who spend all day strategically planning bar crawls) and freelance journalists (who spend most of their day writing in animal attire.) If you’re planning something ‘epic’ you’ll need three packets of face paint, two tubes of super glue, several cardboard boxes, poster paints and a fairly prolific ‘how to’ search on Google.

The makeshift

This is the ‘been invited to a party last minute/can’t really be arsed with the whole notion of dressing up’ choice. Think old white sheet, a pair of scissors and a bottle or two of red food colouring. Failing that print off an Excel spreadsheet entitled ‘the deficit’, team it with a George Osborne mask and run around stealing people’s drinks all night.

The kiddy

If you want to channel the spirit of a five year old but can’t fit into kids’ costumes, fear not. The lovely land of ‘internet shopping for weirdos’ brings you a collection of child like attire in a range of big people sizes.  (Alternatively you could just try squeezing your butt into an off the rack aged 10. People will point and laugh but it will be WORTH IT when you’re rocking out as a bumblebee.)

The store bought

If you lack time (or creativity) a last minute dash to the costume shop is the default response. Make it a week in advance and you’ll end up with some sort of uber cool recently rescued bond girl outfit. Leave it to the last minute and you’re going as a pumpkin. Sorry dude.

The slut

Dressing up as Zombie Tits McGee has become an increasingly popular Halloween phenomenon in recent years. Rejecting the usual dress code protocols, tasteful skirt lengths are casually abandoned in favour of PVC nurse outfits from Ann Summers and little strips of lacy underwear that chafe your vadge. We’ve all done the slut thing.  (Alright, *I’ve* done the slut thing.) But I maintain a cow themed onesie is infinitely more comfortable and practical.