two stuffed horses

You were totally checking out my mane...

Between human oddities, awkward silences and mind numbing conversations, the dating scene has a lot to answer for. Whilst I can happily accommodate unusual quirks, misshapen noses or a spot of premature baldness, there’s some things that just piss a girl off. Here’s my top five dating peeves.

Excessive texting

At first it’s a welcome alternative to “Mr ‘Wait, I thought a telephone was some kind of sex toy?’” But after a while this tap happy emoticon addict will seem needier than the 13 year old Twihard desperados begging for an RT from their favourite moody vampire.  After the 327th “having steak pie for dinner lol” text I’m ready to throw my phone out of the window. Screw the insurance premium. Just make the bastard thing STOP BLEEPING.  If they’d had iPhones during the filming of Bambi, I’m pretty sure Thumper the rabbit would’ve changed his line to “If you can’t text something interesting, don’t text anything at all.” Cartoon characters are wise like that.

No imagination

I’m not expecting a guy’s imagination to be quite as far fetched as mine. (I once had a full blown fantasy about being rescued from Somalian pirates by a Harvard educated American marine riding on the back of a dragon. We fell madly in love, moved to his NYC apartment and kept Tobias  the dragon as a pet. ) Mythical flying animals aside, a little dating creativity wouldn’t go amiss. It’s not about splashing cash or five star restaurants, just a thought process that escalates past ‘Must eat food. We go Nandos’. On one occasion I asked a guy I’d been dating for a few months if he fancied a spontaneous trip to Paris. Giving me the type of look you’d usually reserve for a recently escaped mental patient he said it was ‘a lovely idea but not very practical’, before checking his diary for dates he *might* be available. Oh the romance. (He was the kind of person that kept spreadsheets for future events. It was never going to work.)  But still I feel sad that in our six month relationship the most exciting place he ever took me out was a Prezzo restaurant.

Men who lead you on

 “Oh my god, I can’t believe I’ve met you… You’re so gorgeous… You’re so amazing… You’re so <insert another suitably insincere compliment here>.” I get it. You want a quick bonk and think the fastest way to relieve me of my knickers is to paint some ‘white knight rides off into sunset with beautiful princess’ scenario. Nine times out of ten I see through your faux “Oh em ghee I *really* fancy you” act like my high school PE teacher spotted fabricated ankle injuries on cross country race day. But every now and again that irritating little voice (the one that watched too many Disney films as a child) thinks “What if he isn’t lying? What if this could really be a guy that likes you?”  Then you give me some sick aunt/moving to Australia/joining a religious convent story and disappear into the sunset WITHOUT THE BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS.  It makes me all tearful in a ‘low budget teen movie’ sort of way and I eat nutella out of the jar with a spoon. NB: I am only revealing this totally street cred ruining piece of information in the vain hope that one of you womanising twatty ball bags will read this and feel bad about yourself for at least 30 seconds.

Unreliability

Bar family emergencies or an acute bout of particularly explosive food poisoning, there’s few good reasons to cancel a date. Nobody’s saying you have to walk down the aisle with a girl you’ve been out with three times, but blowing her out at the last minute is downright bad manners. Seriously dude, were you dragged up in barn? Friday night drinks isn’t a government enforced military service programme. If you’re not that into someone don’t ask them out in the first place. Simples.

Talking sex before you’ve had it

In my (somewhat extensive) dating experience men who bring up sex before you’ve got to the action stage are rarely going to be good eggs. Obviously we lady folk want to be thought of as the stunning sex goddess swans that we are, but honestly guys, show some respect. No scamming on the chubbs until you’ve at least taken me out on a few dates. There’s something overwhelmingly sleazy about a man who starts talking full frontal shagging before you’ve actually had some real life naked time.

What are you pet dating peeves? If you’re happily loved up do you have any horrifying memories from your single days?