Frizzy Blonde and the seven idiots- part 2

Frizzy Blonde and the seven idiots- part 2

It was autumn in the magical land of West London. A time for glowing evening skies, babies dressed as pumpkins and fucktard bloggers throwing fallen leaves in the air, so they can be photographed looking like fucktards by their equally fucktard friends. Despite the high percentage of SSSMs (sad sack...
Frizzy blonde and the seven idiots – part 1

Frizzy blonde and the seven idiots – part 1

Once upon a time in a far-off land, a princess was living in a one bedroom-flat, decorated with her parents’ cast-off furniture and anything she could afford from overpriced homeware stores. She had curly (dyed) blonde hair, a fondness for cheese and pale white skin- less like snow and more...
The greatest dating challenge

The greatest dating challenge

This week a man asked me if I’d consider dating an alternative guy. “I’m into anything that involves a woman’s bum in a big way,” he said. “No limits in that area really. I like it filthy. Toys. Shit everywhere.” When he said alternative, I thought he meant piercings and...
The Cheese Bar

The Cheese Bar

It’s finally happened. A cheese bar has opened in London. I think on some level, I always knew something wonderful would happen in my life. When you spend this long chasing unicorns, eventually one will come cantering to your doorstep and fulfil your wildest fantasies. (I’m surprised my unicorn rocked...
Why fussy men are off the menu

Why fussy men are off the menu

If dating is like the Hunger Games, getting back in the ring after a break up is the second reaping. But despite the long-lasting battle scars (yes, I’m talking about foot fetish guy), I’ve made the brave decision to volunteer as Tribute. These days my key criteria for a good date aren’t...
Dinner at Plot

Dinner at Plot

I used to think Tooting was the graveyard of Zone 3, a place where 22-year-old Corbyn supporters rent six-bedroom houses with their mates and drink beer out of shoes. But like all the once-grotty-now-edgy parts of London, it’s becoming gentrified with posh pubs and achingly trendy eating spots, all sandwiched...
Brunch at The Lighterman

Brunch at The Lighterman

Abominable snowman. The clue’s in the name really. Not abominable sandman, or abominable strawman, or abominable man sitting happily in the sunshine with a Corona and lime. The name of this feared, yeti-like creature was inspired by snow. The single worst climate creation that Mother Nature has ever bestowed upon...
Recipe: Chilli pizza eggs

Recipe: Chilli pizza eggs

I have a new obsession. Bigger than my addiction to trawling the internet for holidays I can’t afford. Bigger than my teenage love affair with the half-drowned Leo in Titanic. Even bigger than my obsession with shouting things at people on Twitter who think the whole Donald Trump thing was...
Hook up fails: When flirting goes wrong

Hook up fails: When flirting goes wrong

Between Tinder, Facebook and the rampant hedonism Dubai exudes, it’s never been easier to get a date. Flirting is a second language to this city’s men, most of whom are fluent in the art of sweet nothings and puppy dog eyes. But even the most silver-tongued Casanova doesn’t always get...
Fitness challenge: The gym alternatives

Fitness challenge: The gym alternatives

Sport was never my forte at school. Blessed with the coordination and physical prowess of a club-footed, Quaalude-stuffed donkey, I have difficulty getting my car out of the drive without sustaining injuries to myself or immediate surroundings.Combine this with an extreme dislike of ritual humiliation, cold weather and being told...
Tinder: Dubai style

Tinder: Dubai style

The love child of disposable consumer culture and front-facing phone cameras, Tinder has become one of the most popular dating apps across the world. With more than 10 million active daily users, creators have even introduced a threesome version, for those who felt that the ‘hot or not’ casual sex...
The Big US Road Trip: Tennessee

The Big US Road Trip: Tennessee

Gatlinburg Tennessee is a tiny holiday town full of fake moonshine, gun shops, plastic tourist toot and more refined sugar than I’ve ever seen before in a square mile radius. It’s also one of the gateways to the Smoky Mountains National Park. (That’s Dolly Parton’s homeland y’all.) Though we’d initially...
The Big US Road Trip: Georgia

The Big US Road Trip: Georgia

Apparently Savannah is the most haunted town in America. But whilst it was definitely one of my favourite road trip spots on the tour, I can’t say it filled me with the major spooks. After arriving at 2pm, we spent an afternoon pottering round the hot and sweaty streets of...
The Big US Road Trip: NOLA Part 2

The Big US Road Trip: NOLA Part 2

The more times I turn 21, the more difficult the morning after becomes. Luckily New Orleans is well-equipped to deal with hangovers. Not wanting to miss out on the local cuisine, we went to SoBou, another Trip Advisor recommended spot in the French Quarter. Despite the whackadoodles who often frequent those review...
The Big US Road Trip: New Orleans (Part 1)

The Big US Road Trip: New Orleans (Part 1)

New Orleans wasn’t the next stop on our tour. But the American guy I’m currently dating (who claims to be from New Orleans but is actually from a much crappier town five hours down the road) has requested that I bump it up the blogging queue before he leaves Dubai...
The Big US Road Trip: Florida

The Big US Road Trip: Florida

Perhaps it’s the effects of a teenage addiction to Sweet Valley High books and McDonald’s fries. Perhaps it’s my deep seated love of fried chicken. For whatever reason, a US road trip has been on my bucket list for at least the last 15 years. As I live in Dubai,...
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How Tara Palmer-Tomkinson defined the 90s

  The original ‘IT girl’, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was the poster-child for the wild debauchery of the 1990s. Tanned, toned and sporting shoes that cost more than the average mortal’s monthly salary, she encapsulated my fantasies of adult hedonism like no other. Splashed across the tabloids on a weekly basis, she became almost as high-profile as...

A translation guide to modern racism

  We’ve all heard someone pipe up with the “I’m not racist but” line. It used to be the casual racist’s calling card, like the sound of a trumpet alerting other casual racists to their presence. “I am an unapologetic bigot, hear me roar.” But recently prejudice has taken a darker turn. The heavily divisive...
Why you need gin, cheese and chocolate in January

Why you need gin, cheese and chocolate in January

The month of sacrifice has begun. It’s only January 3rd but already the avocado-munching, healthy living fascists are storming the internet, flooding instagram feeds with their kale smoothies and banishing fried cheese to the fiery depths of hell. Just 72 hours ago the same folk were lying on the sofa, contemplating stealing a medical syringe...

The empathy expiration date

Empathy’s a funny old thing. When it comes to three-legged kittens and fake cancer posts, the Brits dish it out by the bucketload. But while a sad-faced, one-eyed donkey pleading for human saviours can generate 14 million Facebook shares, it’s a different story for poverty-stricken migrants. “HE’S NOT 14!” A Daily Mail reader screeched into the...
Five reasons to love Richmond  

Five reasons to love Richmond  

It’s as aesthetically appealing as solidified dog sick, but when it comes to hipster cool points, Hackney has them in bucketloads. Crowned by the media as London’s most talked about district, edgy pop-ups are emerging faster than professional lifestyle consultants can wipe the coke crystals from their nose on a Monday morning. It’s not that...

Marriage. How old is too old?

It’s been a politically charged week to say the least. The Tories are revelling in their victory, promising to abolish The Human Rights Act, reintroduce entertaining methods of animal cruelty and stop those scrounging disabled bastards from leeching the salaries of Eton-educated self-made millionaires. The increasingly anguished left have taken to Twitter in umbrage, as though...
Dubai's first Spartan

Dubai’s first Spartan

As someone who usually spends weekends consuming vast quantities of cheese-filled baked goods, I’m not sure what possessed me to join in the UAE’s first Spartan race challenge. Let’s call it peer pressure, or a temporary moment of madness. It started with training sessions two weeks ago, where hulking great tanks of Schwarzenegger-muscle completed squats...
Why ‘This Girl Can’ is the best advert in sporting history

Why ‘This Girl Can’ is the best advert in sporting history

Sporting advertisements don’t generally fill me with joy. Fronted by swishy-haired, ab-crunching, green-smoothie-drinking treadmill unicorns, they serve no other purpose than to make me feel as useless as I did on school sports day. I am no athlete. If anything I’m the opposite of an athlete: Skinny, squishy, nesh and all too happy to sacrifice...
Sri Lanka: Elephants, turmeric and coconut spas

Sri Lanka: Elephants, turmeric and coconut spas

“What if I fall off?” “You won’t fall off.” “They said the same thing about the Segway and I ended up headfirst in a bin next to a crowd of Japanese tourists.” I use this story as an example of my ability to attract catastrophe, because prior to this epic fall, only George Bush and...
The worst date ever

The worst date ever

  Most dates are a banal sort of affair. A bland Starbucks-fuelled chat between two people who find each other moderately pleasant and moderately attractive. Occasionally you get lovely dates, which involve laughing, a shared penchant for melted cheese and full-frontal snogging. And finally, there’s the weird. I always thought my handcrafted ‘worst date of...

How justice failed Reeva

Oscar Pistorious killed his girlfriend. Except he didn’t just kill ‘his girlfriend’, did he? He killed Reeva Steenkamp, an independent, successful woman, whose name barely gets a passing mention in the articles concerning her death. Reeva was a South African model who supported her family through her career. She took part in awareness campaigns on...
Whatever happened to man gardens?

Whatever happened to man gardens?

I’m pretty sure the word ‘Brazilian’ was where it all started going wrong for our poor little fannies. As if naming a wax job after a country full of permanently bronzed sex gods would make us forget the pain, anguish and emotional trauma of having our foofs stripped barer than Tiny Tim’s Christmas Goose. Until...
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